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How Not To Die (Or Get High) This New Yea

How Not To Die (Or Get High) This New Yea

Inspired By True Events.

Chilling with my Xbox during the holidays and then there is a huge raucous outside my window. I rush to the scene. I should have stayed inside.

There’s a guy totally toasted lying on a stretcher. And by ‘toasted’, I don’t mean drunk ‘toasted’. I mean real ‘toasted’, like barbeque suya toasted. Burned. With skin peeling off. White flesh bare to the naked December sunlight.

There’s lots of wailing and confusion. Someone is trying to call an ambulance. No call credit. Who has credit? We have credit. Do you know the phone number? No. Who knows the number? Baba Bisi knows. Baba Bisi doesn’t know. Mama Emeka knows. Mama Emeka doesn’t know. Call Alfa. He’s the CDA chairman. No, he’s not the chairman. He lost the last CDA election. There’s a new CDA chairman. New CDA chairman? When did that happen? Who is he? It’s Mallam Bala. What? Mallam Bala? New CDA Chairman? How did he win? Does he not sell sweet and biscuit at the junction? Is he not Hausa? Is he not gay? Please someone call the hospital. No, call Pastor. No, the police. Don’t worry. He’s already dead.

Gist circulating within the crowd is that it’s a guy named ‘Bobby’. Bobby? I know Bobby. Bobby sells weed by the railway. This toasted hunk of flesh on a stretcher can’t be Bobby. Or can it? The gist gets interesting. Apparently this is what happened:

Bobby just sold some weed and from his his new stash of cash decides to get himself some high-grade agoyin beans and bread...

Bobby just sold some weed and to celebrate he treats himself to some high-grade Agoyin beans and bread…

 

...And some Pasa Bitters because How can you eat Agoyin Beans and Bread without drinking some Pasa Bitters...

…And some Pasa Bitters because How can you eat Agoyin Beans and Bread without drinking some Pasa Bitters… Duh…

 

...And Agoyin beans is never completely sweet unless you add some Skushi to taste...

…And the real flavour of Agoyin beans is never revealed unless you add some Skushi to taste… Don’t take our word for it. Ask Reminisce.

 

#Otalenu

Bobby rolls good Skushi

 

Otalenu gan!!!!

Bobby rolls really good Skushi… Otalenu gan!!!!

 

And then he digs in...

And then Bobby digs in…

 

....really digs in...

….really digs in…

 

But just when the Agoyin beans and Skushi is about to enter, something happens...

But just when the Agoyin beans and Skushi is about to enter, something happens. Pay attention. This is where the story gets interesting…

 

Bobby investigates.

Bobby investigates.

 

Apparently, his generator has gone off. What to do?

Apparently, his generator has gone off. What to do?

 

Get fuel, refill the gen. Piece of cake.

Get fuel, refill the gen. Piece of cake.

 

Suck some fuel.

Suck some fuel.

 

Refill the gen.

Refill the gen.

 

RIP Bobby

RIP Bobby

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